The spreading teenage boy menace

I'm almost afraid to drive these days for fear of an underage boy jumping into my car and forcing me to perform sex acts.

Please give your prayers and sympathies to the minister of education at Austin's Great Hills Baptist Church.

Jerry Dale Carver, 51, was arrested Monday at his home and charged with sexual assault of a child in connection with the July 25 incident. The second-degree felony carries a maximum punishment of 20 years in prison.

Carver told police that the teenager got into his vehicle willingly and initiated sexual contact with him, an arrest affidavit said.

Poor guy. I guess he didn't know that his church probably frowns on same sex activities of that nature, and that a 15-year-old can get you an extended stay in the Big House.

The Great Hills Baptist Church has had a prior incident as well:

Carver's arrest marks the second time that a leader at the 5,000-member Northwest Austin church has been accused of sexually assaulting a teen. In 1999, youth minister Charles Richard "Rick" Willits was sentenced to 15 years in prison after a jury found him guilty of sexually abusing a 14-year-old boy he met at church. Willits is eligible for parole in April, according to the Texas Department of Criminal Justice.

Does this church serve a dual purpose of spreading the gospel and functioning as a teenage boy meat market? I'll bet baptisms are a blast.

"OK, boy, you're up next. Strip down to those clean white undies and prepare to go down."

This latest sanctimonious church news comes right on the heels of another, in Johnson City, Texas just west of Austin.

Four monks pleaded not guilty to charges alleging a boy was sexually assaulted at a Texas monastery that draws thousands of visitors every year.

The four monks, plus another serving a 10-year prison sentence for indecency with a minor, were charged after a young man claimed he had been assaulted at the monastery beginning in 1993, when he was a teenager. Oatman said another accuser has come forward, and others could follow.

It's quite clear we have an epidemic of teenage boys causing all kinds of sexual mayhem in religious circles. May I suggest a fatwa be declared requiring all boys to cover themselves with a boy-burqa until the age of 18.