What If I Wasn't Gay?

Sometimes I think about my life and how it has turned out thus far. I ponder the mistakes I've made, the people I've known, and things I wish I had changed, or never done.

The one thing about my life that is truly mind-blowing to me is simply my age. I think people who don't have children probably go through life at a different pace, and perhaps even in denial.

When I see a family with children, I almost always look at the mother and father and see them as being older than me -- more mature and parental than I am. I almost always have to make an effort to tell myself that the woman I see very well could be 20 years younger than me, and that's a jolt.

What if I wasn't gay? How different would my life be right now?

Well, for starters it's very possible I could have knocked up some girl in high school, or right after graduation, and gotten married at 18. Had I done that, I would be sitting here today with a 29-year-old son or daughter who might already have a 10-year-old child. That would make me a grandfather. And it's very likely I would have had several children and grandchildren using that scenario of early marriage.

This freaks me out. And yet it's common and normal for the vast majority of people.

The fact is that I never did start to "grow up" and "mature" and take responsibility for myself until I was about 30 when I was just embarking on my life with txrad. There's no way I would have been a responsible parent until I was at least 35. And the chances that any early marriage would have survived even until my 25th birthday seem remote.

When I ponder these things, I'm not the least bit surprised that half of all marriages fail. And when I see people with not one but four or five (or more) children, I wonder if they even have contemplated what they are facing. We have had a pretty good household income this year and I'm still flabbergasted that a large bag of IAMS cat food is now about $33+ with tax. Thank God I don't have to buy clothes for my cats.

The fact that my mother is 84 and not a grandmother really distorts things.

I'm glad things turned out the way they did. I don't think I'm grandfatherly material.