Thanks, But No Thanks

I'm a rambler and a gambler and a sweet talkin' ladies man I'll take my chances without corporate pollution injected into me.

Most Irresponsible Advertisement of the Day in a Long While

The disclaimer in fine print, which you can barely read when you see this commercial airing on television says, "Professional driver on closed road. Do not attempt."

After some of the unprofessional driving I saw on open roads yesterday while driving 23 miles to a restaurant, I'm wondering why they don't just show professional drivers driving responsibly. Clearly, too many people take this shit literally. It might as well be an advertisement for texting while driving.

Or it could be a liquor advertisement showing a drunk driver crashing through a plate glass window with the disclaimer, "Drink Responsibly. As long as you don't kill anyone, it's fine to drive drunk."

Yeah, right. Mercedes-Benz, you and your ad agency have disappointed me.

Tasteless Advertising

Aw, jeez. Sometimes it isn't difficult at all to determine if the creative geniuses behind an advertisement are heterosexual males. I would vote to fire the ad agency but someone at Guss' must have thought it was money well spent.

Now I'll confess I am no stranger to penis humor when it comes to vegetables which actually look like a dick. But I laugh about it and move on.

Next time, you adolescent creative-types, save your budget and go find a horny 15-year-old boy to design your ad. You might get the same amateur result. Meanwhile, I'll stick with Gundelsheim Barrel Pickles, the delights of which have never resulted in this queer having a blow-job fantasy with a woman.

Sometimes a pickle is just a pickle. Sometimes a bad ad is just a bad ad.

Via.


Oh, it gets worse. In the marketing gone haywire arena, there's the pole dance for the kiddies! I shit you not.

What the fuck is a royal diadem?

I'm sorry, but this serves what purpose? I just see natural shit. Completely devoid of this lordness. But Good God does it inspire those simpletons who buy into it like a kid with a nickle in a 1930s candy store.

This is the mentality guiding YOUR health care debate. You can choose to sit back as if observing a circus, and you would not be entirely wrong, or you could engage yourself.

Think.

Buyers Beware

A few days ago I received a flyer in the mail from Kohl's promoting their 2-day "mega sale" with "power hours." This started at 3pm on Friday and continues today. The flyer contained a card offering an extra 15% off anything in the store.

YEA!

I had already purchased a couple of things last weekend so there was nothing I really needed but popped in there late yesterday afternoon just to see if perhaps there might be another pair of shorts I'd want, or anything else.

In the kitchen section, txrad was checking out food graters. Ours is a flat one that has a crack in the top and eventually it's probably going to snap in half while I'm trying to grate cheese. There could even be blood shed. So we got the fancy stand-up grater with a nice grip in the top. I believe it was 30% off and we got an additional 15% off that price.

We were feeling mighty fine with ourselves for getting this gadget for under just $12.

After we left Kohl's we drove over to the hooch emporium to procure adult beverages for the party we're having Sunday afternoon. They happen to have a kitchen section with nice high-end gadgets and I spotted the grater we'd just purchased at Kohl's. I just had to wander over there and check out the price so I could feel even better about that hot deal we got on "mega sale."

Hooch emporium price: $9.99

Enough said.

Odors in Special Places and Less Bars in More Places

This is hilarious! Spray your ass, feet, cock, tits, pits, AND stinky vaginas! I can't believe I'm in this segment of the advertising business. Makes me love the United States of America, yes it does!

Via

I only wish I had the video editing talent of Pat Lee. Imagine the chaos I could stir up by doing work like this.

Via

Most Outrageous (Sexist) Marketing Gimmick

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Color My Pussy Orange

If you think this is another post about my cat, think again. It's a "BIG" coloring book for those who are a tad obsessed with private parts. So whip out those crayons, kiddies!

Rather than post the full photo to my Photobucket account, I'll just provide a link to Amazon which sells them. Besides, Photobucket has a history of deleting any of my pictures if there is any resemblance to male private parts.

These coloring books are available as his and hers.

I wonder if they are really available on Kindle as the page suggests. That would take all the fun out of it.

Via.

Another Bullshit Facebook Ad

HA! Yeah, right. Order in the next 10 minutes and we'll include a FREE DVD on how to train your cat to clean up his or her own vomit.

Focus on Marriage Scams

Can someone explain this bullshit to me? $25 to see your marriage through "the eyes of God?"

Let me guess. Gay couples, legally married or not, probably won't be in attendance.

But I am curious as to what they are serving for lunch.

txrad's grandmother founded that church.

Various Marketing Bullshit

If you are going to sell your soul, music and/or reputation to a car company for advertising, you'd better be fucking driving that Hyundai and loving the shit out of it.

Yo-Yo Ma.
Billy Corgan.

I'm talkin' to the both of you.

And who the fuck drives a car like that anyway?

Bullshit advertising.

Carefully Targeted Advertising

Clever.

A Post-Bailout Revamped GM

Yesterday I got a credit card statement with a few extra fliers in it, one of which was this little piece from GM promoting their all new fuel-efficient green technological marvel .... Hummer!

I mean, seriously, what the flying fuck? I don't know how else to respond.

Because the vast majority of Americans need this vehicle since we are constantly like, you know, driving in the woods and over huge boulders and shit.

Fucking and Stinking

I hate this commercial and we've been seeing it a lot tonight. Hey, if stinking prevented fucking, none of us would be here.

Useless marketing ploy. Or as txrad put it far more eloquently than me, is it bad to "smell like a human?"

The Running Man

You know, I consider myself to be a busy person, especially these days with my new job. Hell, I was busy before I took this new job. But never, EVER, in my life have I been so busy that I needed a headset that worked at this speed:

Pardon the flash reflection, but you get the idea. This was included with the shipment of my new office phone and it makes me want to puke.

If you can't manage your time, then you have a problem.

If you have to run while talking on the phone, then you have a problem.

Deal with your problem FIRST, and then pick out your phone.

That's my suggestion. Fucking stupid ads.

As for me, I'll continue to work FAST, while sitting on my ass.

No running necessary. Thank you very much.

I Wear Many Hats

Seriously. Are there many people out there who need this product?

Holds up to 32 caps if you stack one on top the other. I'm a firm believer in getting the most bang for my buck.

I wonder if they have a shot glass rack on sale?

My guess is there's over 100 shot glasses in this cabinet. And I've given away about two dozen recently. Would Goodwill want those? I need to de-clutter. Hell, I've got some pretty decent wine & champagne glasses in there which I can't even access due to the shot glasses.

Those were a promotional gimmick for about a year with our favorite tequila. Buy a bottle and get two or three shot glasses. It was fun the first couple of times but then I was ready for that gimmick to run its course. Near the end I was even having the woman at the liquor store tear off the packaging which contained the glasses.

But how many people do you know who could have a crowd of maybe 110 over at their house and everyone simultaneously do a shot? That must count for something.

Friday Pussy Blog: The Patriot Pussy Edition

God Bless The Tot

He's so concerned about the food bowls being empty that he didn't even mind me draping him with a stupid shirt. (Pardon the kona foot.)

The boys outside, Tiger and Sweet Pea, were enjoying their holiday.

Happy 4th everyone. God Bless America.

In fact, God Bless these other places too. Honestly, most of them need it far worse than us. Why stop after blessing just one?

When Green Turns Shit Brown

I don't know about the rest of you but I'm getting a little tired of hearing green this and green that these days.

Hey, I'm all for trying to promote green living, energy savings and whatnot. It's the whatnot I suppose that's getting on my nerves.

Last night we were watching HGTV showcasing new "green" products, and their "green home giveaway" If you really want to live in Hilton Head, South Carolina, then knock yourself out. Don't come complaining to me when your shit is under the sea.

But the icing on the cake during this program was seeing some of the sponsors. GMC Yukon for one, and you'll win one with your beautiful new home. Well? Their green hybrids get maybe 22 mpg! (But not the way I see most people driving them.)

Yeah, green. All the way, baby!

Dunkin Donuts Gets Into The Low-Brow Coffee Business

I just saw an ad on TV for Dunkin Donuts' new line of coffees.

"You order them in English, not Italian."

Please. How hard is it to say cappuccino? Or Caffé Latte?

I have an idea. If you want to order coffee in English, just go here. You can fill up your tank and your cup.

It probably won't smell like a real coffee shop, and the coffee may suck, but what the fuck? You'll be ordering in English, and that's all that matters.

They have another ad with a group of people staring at a sign in a coffee shop singing, "My mouth can't form these words."

Sounds like a personal problem.

Marketing Gone Haywire

Has the world gone fucking insane or is it just me? I need to know.

There are plenty of things in the news which would upset the average person but sometimes it's the little things that push me right over the edge.

The product, called NXT, is sold in an arresting triangular container that lights up from the bottom, illuminating air bubbles suspended in the clear gel. The plastic is tinted blue, and when the AAA batteries in its base are lighted, the whole thing looks like a miniature lava lamp or a tiny fishless aquarium.

The novelty of the light-up container worked, and NXT’s shaving gel — as well as its after-shave and face wash, similarly packaged — will hit the shelves at Target this month. It will also arrive at other retailers like Wal-Mart, CVS, Duane Reade, Winn-Dixie and Fred Meyer.

To call attention to themselves, the products, which are aimed at 18- to 24-year-old men, will glow on the shelves, inviting customers to pick them up. Every 15 seconds, a light-emitting diode (LED) in the bottom of the container flares on, stays lighted for a few seconds, then fades out.

I'm sorry but when did we as a society evolve to a point where we need to be attracted to temporary disposable products, not because of their quality or functionality, but because the packaging appeals to our high-tech lifestyles? We have our Xboxes and our iPods but that's not enough. Now our shaving cream needs to entertain us as well.

“The packaging was more advanced than anything we’d seen before,” Andrea Harrison, category manager for men’s shaving at CVS, wrote in an e-mail response to questions. Ms. Harrison, describing NXT as having an “almost nightclub-friendly appearance,” said that at CVS, “we consider whether a product in a given package can have impact on our shelf, and this was potentially an impact on a new level.”

A "nightclub-friendly" appearance? What the hell? It's SHAVING CREAM! And it needs two or three AAA batteries! I don't know how long the typical container of shaving cream lasts before needing to be replaced, but this is one more unnecessary electronic gadget destined for landfills across America. Then if you like the product, repeat. Save the batteries - hopefully they can be removed and used in your TV remote or something.

Jesus H. Christ, I can hardly wait to see what the brilliant creative geniuses will create next for marketing to people who apparently have never been exposed to anything resembling a clue.

I just have one additional thing to say: Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap. You can wash your hands with it and it lathers up nicely for shaving. It doesn't glow in the dark or require batteries. Hey, it's not flashy but it gets the job done quite economically. And it's organic and natural. That's magic.

By the way, NXT is manufactured in China. I guess I didn't need to say that.