Three Simple Rules to Live By

1. Do not fondle cats while wearing a black shirt.

2. While working for a company several hundred miles away as a satellite employee from your home, do not send an email to the staff announcing that fresh muffins have been baked and to come on down.

3. Do not invite work colleagues to your Facebook page where you routinely express your creativity and individuality lest ye be accused of smoking dope.

Follow these simple rules and you can probably skate through life with minimal hassles.

Arkansas Bill to Ban Domestic Partnership Registries Dives Into Sinkhole

Brilliant!

A bill to outlaw Eureka Springs' domestic-partner registry failed Friday before a House committee, after lawmakers said it was inappropriate for them to interfere with local issues.

The sponsor of the bill was Rep. Bryan King of Green Forest, who "represents" House District 91.

"If cities and counties want to issue domestic-partner registries to heterosexuals, homosexuals, transsexuals, transgenders, it's very controversial," said King, R-Green Forest. "This isn't the same as giving somebody the garden of the month club."

So true. It's not; it's about cities having the authority to grant their citizens what little sliver of equality they possibly can in the face of blatant tyranny by repressive bigots like you, Representative King.

Asshole awards are getting doled out around here like stimulus dollars.

But why all the excessive drama over one small town's choice to actually respect the lives of the people who live there, particularly the LGBTQ community, prevented by state law from having their relationships recognized?

Friday Pussy Blog: Spanked Pussy Edition

My blogging has dipped to a new low. The bulk of my posts are now about assholes, pussies, and asshole-related things.

Tater Tot catching some rays just a few minutes ago:

Sissy chirping (barely audible on the clip) while enjoying a spanking. Sometimes she really gets going with the vocals!

Happy Friday!

Certain Things Are Just Wrong

I was doing medical research today on ways to keep a prostate healthy and happy and products which might help achieve that state, and I ran across something quite disturbing.

Now I will have to doctor up and disguise this photo -- not to make it safe for work -- but to avoid running afoul of Photobucket's terms of service. You know, I've had issues with them deleting my photos of penis-shaped veggies so this one is going to require extra effort.

There. One dick in place of another. But back to the disturbing issue. Who in their right mind would buy a used dildo?

Later on I was reviewing comments for an anal douche product, which coincidentally also doubles as a pleasure toy for the shower, and I ran across this.

Nevertheless, "Ahmed" still gave it 2 stars. Must be a pretty good product.

And wow. Seven of 37 people found that review helpful? That's roughly the same percentage of voters who think the Bush administration was the greatest in the history of our nation. Says a lot, doesn't it?

What Does An Asshole Look Like?

Good question. They come in all shapes and sizes, but this is a classic example:

Governor Jim Douglas of Vermont. Asshole

"I believe our civil union law serves Vermont well ..." Douglas told a gathering of reporters and onlookers at a hastily called news conference in the Pavilion Building. "I believe that marriage should remain between a man and a woman. ... I'm announcing that I intend to veto this legislation when it reaches my desk."

As I said, a-s-s-h-o-l-e!

Top Five Countries

These five places make me glad I'm not in Obama's shoes right now.

Mexico

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton arrives in Mexico on Wednesday for what will be the first in a parade of visits by top administration officials, including President Obama himself next month, to try to head off a major foreign policy crisis close to home. They will find a country mired in a deepening slump, miffed by signs of protectionism in its largest trading partner, and torn apart by a drug war for which many in Mexico blame customers in the United States.

Pakistan

Now, as the Obama administration completes its review of strategy toward the region this week, his sudden ascent has raised an urgent question: Can Mr. Sharif, 59, a populist politician close to Islamic parties, be a reliable partner? Or will he use his popular support to blunt the military’s already fitful campaign against the insurgency of the Taliban and Al Qaeda?

Czech Republic

Transatlantic tension over the handling of the global economic crisis intensified Wednesday when the prime minister of the Czech Republic, which holds the European Union presidency, described the President Obama’s stimulus measures as the “way to hell.”

[...]

...Prime Minister Mirek Topolanek argued that the Obama administration’s fiscal package and financial bailout “will undermine the stability of the global financial market.”

Mr. Topolanek’s comments, only a day after he offered his government’s resignation following a no confidence vote, took European officials by surprise.

Whew! Feeling sick yet? We're not done!

Israel

Israel’s prime minister-designate, Benjamin Netanyahu, said Wednesday that the coalition he is forming would be a “partner for peace,” offering a pledge that seemed designed to reshape his reputation as a foe of the peace process with the Palestinians.

The promise brought a muted response from some Palestinians.

[...]

On Wednesday, Tzipi Livni, the foreign minister and leader of the centrist Kadima party, called the prospective coalition a government “conceived in sin,” according to The Associated Press.

United States

The Obama administration said Tuesday that it would move hundreds of federal agents to the country’s southern border to prevent a spillover of drug-related violence from Mexico, and that it would focus more efforts on stopping weapons and money from flowing south.

And...

Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner on Wednesday pressed the case for expanding the government’s ability to take over and restructure ailing institutions that threaten to the broader financial system.

There's five already and I haven't even mentioned Iraq, Afghanistan, China or Russia. Holy shit.

Best Place to Commit Suicide

A shooting range!

Sgt. Richard Stresing with the Austin Police Department said the woman, who is in her 30s, did not threaten anyone nor did she injure anyone else.

She's also still alive but in critical condition. This shooting range is on the highway not far from our house. We pass it whenever we go into Austin.

Also, I'm asking for a berating for applying a humor tag to this post but I just can't help myself. Sometimes tragedy and humor go hand in hand. At least in my warped head they do.

Homosexuality -- Go Ahead, CONDONE It

The Vermont Senate voted 26-4 yesterday in favor of same-sex marriage. It is expected to pass in the House vote.

Gov. Jim Douglas, a Republican, opposes the measure. Natürlich.

While this is an important step for equality, I never cease to be amazed by the delicate dance of politicians who try hard not to seem too gay-friendly.

“We are not condoning homosexuality,” said Sen. John Campbell, D-Windsor, as he introduced the bill to the Senate. “What we’re doing is recognizing some people are homosexuals.”

Gee, thanks! I'll take what I can get. But you know what? Homosexuality is real. It's as real and natural as your heterosexuality, Senator Campbell, just not as common. And there's nothing wrong with condoning a natural love. You make it sound as if you are passing a law legalizing cocaine and heroin. We don't condone it but we acknowledge there are addicts out there.

I can't believe I actually have more respect for a Republican response:

Sen. Phil Scott, R-Washington, said he didn’t know how he was going to vote when he walked into the Senate chamber Monday afternoon, but made up his mind while listening to the debate. “I said if I’m going to err on one side or the other, I would err on the side of basic human rights.”

But to be fair, it was arguments by Senator Campbell which persuaded Scott to "err" on the side of human rights when Campbell said this:

“You know who those ‘they’ people are? They’re our policemen, our firefighters, our teachers, garbagemen, the guy who plows the street. They’re our children. Our sisters, brothers, they’re human beings, and as such, as it’s said in this bill, they should be treated equally,” Campbell said.

Treated equally.. but not condoned. That would just be a step too far.

condone: to regard or treat (something bad or blameworthy) as acceptable, forgivable, or harmless.

Crossposted at B3

Bat Mitzvah for the Swinging 90s

Probably the most interesting thing I saw in the New York Times this morning was the piece on the nonagenarian bat mitzvah. Yep, you read that correctly.

Photo credit: David Ahntholz for The New York Times

At 94 she can be forgiven her fear that she might be seized by a senior moment or two as she stands on the bimah on Sunday to recite the section of the Torah that was read in synagogue on the Saturday closest to her 12th birthday. So can the other nine women who will take part in the bat mitzvah ceremony at the service in the synagogue of the Menorah Park senior residence in this Cleveland suburb.

The youngest, Mintsy Agin, will turn 90 in July. The oldest, Molly Kravitz, will celebrate her 97th birthday in August.

The women grew up in the shadow of the Great Depression, when bar mitzvah ceremonies for boys were weekly affairs but Jewish girls came of age without notice or fanfare.

[...]

A self-described “feminist all my life,” Evelyn Bonder, 90, said she “always thought girls should have the chance to participate” in something that Conservative, Orthodox and Reform congregations embraced in stages.

Ms. Agin said: “My daughter had a bat mitzvah. But it was on a Friday instead of a Saturday. It wasn’t held inside the synagogue, and she wasn’t allowed to read from the Torah.”

Friday Pussy Blog: Vintage Edition

Sweet Pea, with the sweetest face, about 4 or 5 years ago.
He seemed to have a lot more red tones in his coat back then.

Facebook Ads Spark My Imagination

This sounds great.

Does it involve dropping your inhibitions (and your pants) in front of a cam while doing odd things to your private parts?

Well then! Sign me up!

Oh... only the young and cute with six-pack abs need apply? Damn. Never mind; I'll keep my day job. Besides, it isn't so great if you can only work an hour a day, and having to skip a day every now and then.

Much Better Than Politics

I love Michelle Obama. Say what you will about all the other crap going on in Washington, this is almost too wonderful for words.

While the organic garden will provide food for the first family’s meals and formal dinners, its most important role, Mrs. Obama said, will be to educate children about healthful, locally grown fruit and vegetables at a time when obesity and diabetes have become a national concern.

[...]

The White House grounds crew and the kitchen staff will do most of the work, but other White House staff members have volunteered.

So have the fifth graders from Bancroft. “There’s nothing really cooler,” Mrs. Obama said, “than coming to the White House and harvesting some of the vegetables and being in the kitchen with Cris and Sam and Bill, and cutting and cooking and actually experiencing the joys of your work.”

For children, she said, food is all about taste, and fresh and local food tastes better.

“A real delicious heirloom tomato is one of the sweetest things that you’ll ever eat,” she said. “And my children know the difference, and that’s how I’ve been able to get them to try different things.

Seriously, how refreshing and uplifting is that after eight years of Bush?

I can't help but notice the absence of watermelons. That would have played right into the hands of the wingnuts who were circulating emails prior to the election of a huge watermelon patch on the White House grounds. If it were me, I'd plant some.

RIP Natasha Richardson

Wow. What a shock.

She was 45. .. ONLY 45.

"Liam Neeson, his sons, and the entire family are shocked and devastated by the tragic death of their beloved Natasha,” said a statement from the family. “They are profoundly grateful for the support, love and prayers of everyone, and ask for privacy during this very difficult time."

It's 1/4 of the Dead Weather

Lefties Take El Salvador

And then move to the right just a bit. What's up with this phenomenon? The right never moves to the left when in power.

Almost as soon as Mauricio Funes won the presidency as the standard-bearer for the party of El Salvador’s former leftist guerrillas, he set about trying to reassure his opponents.

Although he has pledged to govern as a moderate, he will face pressure from inside his party to move to the left. His opponents on the right have promised to work with the new government, though they may push back against measures that pare back 20 years of conservative policies, whether on human rights or taxes.

Typical. That dirty scourge of human rights must be stopped. We can't have any of that. No, no!

The Muffling of Billy Mays

Loud applause for California state Rep. Anna G. Eshoo for introducing H.R. 6209, the Commercial Advertisement Loudness Mitigation Act.

The bill would require the Federal Communications Commission to "prescribe a standard to preclude commercials from being broadcast at louder volumes than the program they accompany."

It is doubtful this will get any traction but what a glorious visual of Billy Mays being told to stuff a sock in his pie hole.

My "What the Fuck" Morning

As relieved as I am that George W. Bush has been discharged from the White House, I'm starting to realize how there is always plenty of room for improvement. I suspect in the next few weeks we'll start too see Obama's approval ratings drop sharply if he follows through with this.

The Obama administration is signaling to Congress that the president could support taxing some employee health benefits, as several influential lawmakers and many economists favor, to help pay for overhauling the health care system.

The proposal is politically problematic for President Obama, however, since it is similar to one he denounced in the presidential campaign as “the largest middle-class tax increase in history.” Most Americans with insurance get it from their employers, and taxing workers for the benefit is opposed by union leaders and some businesses.

What the fuck? Why not tax things which don't actually improve one's health, things which people can still choose to purchase? We already do that with cigarettes. For some reason lawmakers can't seem to take it another step, like taxing soft drinks. Raise taxes on distilled spirits. Slap a federal tax on fast food. Although it's not unhealthy, maybe we should tax bottled water. Tax any beverage sold in a plastic bottle. Tax plastic grocery bags. But leave our health benefits alone! Those of us lucky enough to have them don't need the government giving us an excuse to decline them.

Maybe we should stop bailing out corporations and use that money to overhaul the health care industry, instead of having it squandered. Seriously, this is making me livid!

The American International Group, which has received more than $170 billion in taxpayer bailout money from the Treasury and Federal Reserve, plans to pay about $165 million in bonuses by Sunday to executives in the same business unit that brought the company to the brink of collapse last year.

What the fuck???

I was already not on board with the idea that any corporation is just too big or too important to allow it to fail. And this AIG situation is just driving me to not give a crap whether they live or die.

This reminds me of a game of solitaire in which I keep replaying in order to succeed and I keep getting the same frustrating result. Eventually it makes more sense to simply shut it down and deal a new hand.

The Virtual Outhouse Is Open!

Gary L. Bauer, president of American Values, a conservative advocacy group, said that if Mr. Obama extended benefits to same-sex partners of federal workers, he would “provoke a furious grass-roots reaction, reinvigorate the conservative coalition and undermine his efforts to portray himself as a moderate on social issues.”

Idiot.

Friday Pussy Blog: Cold Day Nap Edition

Damn fine idea!

A Cold Start To South By

SXSW kicks in this week and I feel sorry for anyone who is flying in dressed for weather we were having at the beginning of this week! You just know somebody stepped off a plane between Wednesday and today wearing a t-shirt and shorts without checking the weather online before packing. Oh well, they'll only suffer for a couple of days.

Let the music begin!

Speaking of weather and music, I am thrilled to see Jack White has a 3rd band going. Dead Weather has Jack on drums.

Mr. White seemed energized by returning to an instrument he played in his youth. “For years I’ve been playing guitar like a drummer,” he said. “Now I want to play drums like a producer and see what happens. Looking at a song from that seat is a whole different ballgame, and it makes me reinvest in writing and producing music again.”

Album coming in June. Single available on iTunes now. I want.