I've been in a major funk now for at least 6 months. By major funk I mean severe mood swings generally ranging from lethargy (i.e. not giving a fuck about anything) to morbid depression. As for the good moments, yes I do have a few. They tend to be short-lived, perhaps an hour here and there, unless you count the three hours in the evening when I am inebriated and even those are not always a joyous occasion. At least hard liquor is no longer a player in this game. It has been almost two months since vodka has passed my lips, and prior to that episode it had been a month. So, in three months there's been one bottle of vodka. At this point I guess I can rule that out as being a cause of this intense malaise.
There really is no clearly defined reason for this. I have a job. I work from home. I have decent benefits including health insurance, if you call a $5,000 deductible good health insurance. I do not. Basically any medical needs are out-of-pocket but I'm insured against a mild to major catastrophe should I happen to need medical services running in the $6,000 to $10,000 range, or $100,000 for that matter. Of course, with the next calendar year I'm back on the hook again with a $5,000 deductible. I guess the worst case scenario would be running up about $4,900 in medical bills every year which would be a truly fucked scenario. But I digress so let's not go there.
I do get thoroughly disgusted by politics. I was foolish enough to believe that if I could ever get through eight years of George W. Bush, everything would be better. In theory that might have been true. At least we didn't get McCain/Palin served to us in 2008. (I actually had to Google "2008 presidential election" because I was drawing a total blank on who the assholes were during that cycle.) But what we got was a black man. OK, so he's half black, but that's black enough for the knuckle draggers to get their panties all knotted up in their ass cracks. Honestly, an eight year cycle of blatant racism is not what I expected as a follow-up to the Bush terms. It never showed up on my radar because I thought, for the most part, we had moved beyond that like Paula Deen. I guess I was afflicted with SCOTUS syndrome before it became trendy.
Aside from that pesky little race thing, there have been a series of disappointments politically. I cannot quite fathom why there is such a divide in this country. Every election and opinion poll seems to be ridiculously close. The election of Scott Brown in Massachusetts threw me into a tizzy. Yeah, he served one term and yeah, he was defeated by Elizabeth Warren in 2012. That's what I would expect in Massachusetts. I grew up with the impression that Massachusetts was one of those liberal places. However, if a 54% to 46% victory is what defines a liberal place now after the glaring mistake of voting in Scott Brown, we're in some deep fucking shit.
It would be nice to claim it as an aberration but the most recent victory by Democrat Ed Markey over Republican Gabriel Gomez was 55% to 45%. It matters not to me whether all eligible voters would have made this a more decisive victory, and it probably wouldn't have. But the fact is, here we are in 2013 and it's tough to find any issue where there isn't a 55/45 split, or closer. Hell, 5-4 decisions by the Supreme Court have become about as predictable as a murder in Chicago. I guess that's just where we are. That just seems absurdly close to me, given the issues and the records of the candidates. Perhaps Texas isn't so bad after all given the fact that Governor Rick Perry was elected in 2010 with only 55% percent of the vote. Of course, I guess that's generous considering what a egregious despicable fuckwad he is.
The problem seems to be the stupid white people. Exit Polls showed Perry winning whites by 71% to 29%, and losing the African Americans vote by 88% to 12% and Latinos 61% to 38%. Why any white person would claim to be superior to others, or being God's chosen race is beyond my comprehension. Let's be honest here: most white people, and specifically most white voters, don't exactly fill my coffers with a lot of hope. Those are overwhelmingly the so-called "swing voters" who can't quite make up their fucking minds just what they are besides fickle and stupid.
As much as I love to fantasize about moving away from Texas for the sake of my sanity, it really is a tough call when deciding where I would go. Sure, we have this Asshole with good hair here posing as a governor and a bunch of silly pricks in the legislature who don't know the difference between a time stamp and a rape kit. Sure, our fucking prick condones murder but have you checked out governors in places like Maine, Wisconsin, Florida and even New Jersey? (Yes, sorry to break the news but Chris Christie is a fucking asshole.) Let's not overlook Ohio and Virginia. Ken Cuccinelli can suck my ass. Yeah, like I'm gonna go to the trouble to pack up everything I own just to get away from here so I can be there and endure that.
No matter where I go, I will also know that my rants against whomever are being gathered up by the NSA/PRISM clusterfuck for safekeeping. I can't imagine anyone in the Obama Administration deciding to personally let Governor Prick know that I think he has shit for brains. But if they do, so be it. Last time I checked we still have free speech rights in this country, as long as I don't interpret my speech rights to mean I can take some chalk down to the local Bank of Fucking America and give them a graphic piece of my mind on their cement slab. Or the Fucking Bank of America for that matter.
If I could live anywhere in the US (and technically I could), it's a really tough call figuring out where now that politics have become so intolerable in so many places. Despite my profanity-laced diatribe, I don't want you to think I attribute all of my malaise purely on politics.
Last year during 10 months of unemployment I did a lot of religious soul-searching and came to the conclusion that I am, and have been for decades, a Buddhist. And one thing that Buddhism taught me (and I'm paraphrasing here just a bit) is that all of this rampant bullshit stupidity is but a fleeting nanosecond on the great celestial clock. The system is rigged and I can't change it by myself. And if enough people aren't willing to listen and act, then fuck it with a bean pole. I'm 53 years old. If the future has a pocket to pick, it's with those who are 18-35 who still have about 30-45 more years of this shit to live with before facing whatever fucking passes as retirement when that time rolls around. Jesus, I sound like one of those fucked up newfangled Myanmar Buddhists but seriously, I'm not violent; I'm just fed the fuck up.
I should count all my blessings. The good news is I'm a white man. I'll probably never have to wait more than 20 minutes to cast a ballot. The bad news is I don't even care anymore. Give me some time away and I'll check back in when the white man is playing second or third fiddle. And thank God I'm not a young woman. The idea of having to carry around a baby for 9 months, by law, after getting raped by an uncle, a brother, or a total stranger just does not sound very appealing to me. I'm made as hell because my life is going to be disrupted for one Monday afternoon in August thanks to a jury duty summons. I trust the system of justice in this country like I'd trust George Zimmerman with a handgun in colored town so pardon me if I seem un-American when it comes to my civic duties and all that shit. I'm not the right guy for it. Trust me, I know.
We don't have many politicians willing to go to extreme effort to do what is right to have a positive political impact and even then you can still get bulldozed over. Fuck, you can do the most amazing service to your country ever and still get 45% of voters in the next election wanting your sorry ass removed, assuming you are lucky enough to get 55% or even 50% who want to keep you in. It's fucked up.
Something else getting on my last nerve lately is Facebook. At the time I'm writing this post I'm at the threshold of 2 weeks since I have posted a status update. The longer I don't post the easier it is to not post. I certainly have not been off Facebook; I comment here and there on posts of other people, but I just haven't been in the mood to post anything of my own. And I can't seem to make the leap to shut it down because in all honesty I'd lose contact with some people who are important to me. I suppose I could always call them on the phone and talk live in real time but I have about as much use for a phone as I do a printed newspaper. So I guess that's out. Besides, I don't want to clutter up the NSA/PRISM database more than necessary. But then again, I'm a white guy so I probably have a lot less to worry about.
I should probably avoid Facebook altogether around all holidays both major and minor. Christmas, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, Flag Day, Memorial Day, Fathers Day, Armistice Day, you name it. The Borg collective kicks into high gear spending one day out of 365 to remember something or someone and then after that it's back to the bacon humor or whatever. Seriously. God herself didn't make these rules or set aside these days. We did. And it's pretty fucking stupid and arbitrary if you think about it. And if you think 80% of your Facebook friends whom you've never met give a shit what your dead mother looked like then you are delusional. And if you think it makes your dead mother proud then you have even bigger problems than I thought. Deviate from the herd: give her a shout out in the middle of October for no other reason than you were thinking of her. Maybe it won't get lost in all the motherloving frenzy of a marketing gimmick.
And this leads me to prayer. What is up with that shit? I'd rather do something constructive with my time like clip my toenails. I am no stranger to this religion stuff. As a child I was hauled to a church pew every Sunday. And my dad had been known to preach from the pulpit on occasion. But when I'd ask, as a child, why does God let people die in horrible accidents, I'd get the cop-out line that "God works in mysterious ways" or "We don't always understand why but God has a plan for those people."
So basically then, why the fuck waste time praying? God is busy. Let God do God's infinite business and stop with the fucking selfish interruptions. God isn't going to alter the outcome of your sports team's shitty performance. God isn't going to save you from burning in the inferno of an airplane (or Ferrari) stunt gone awry. God isn't going to breathe life into that dead cat you love so much and God sure as shit isn't going to bless your fucking corrupt nation. So get over yourselves. Can you imagine how it might impact OPEC if just the Southern Baptists stopped driving their SUVs to church on Sunday? If it's that important to you, walk to church! Like Jesus. You know, instead of walking 5 miles on that dumbass treadmill at the secular gym.
Of course there are good religious people out there and my rant is not directed at those people. I still don't get it but if it makes you feel good then do it. My beef is primarily with people who feel they can pray away teh gay and others of that ilk.
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| What the fuck does the valet have to do with anything?? |
The past 8 weeks have probably done more to destroy my hope for the United States than anything in the last 12 years combined. And that's really saying something considering some of the good news out there. Everyday is either something new or more of the same bullshit. Maybe I'm just too sensitive but a big part of me knows it's just horribly wrong, unethical and immoral when my government is creating crime and popping people off on death row while screaming about the sanctity of life. This is all fucking nuts!
I think I need to go away to clear my head. Iceland comes to mind frequently. Hell, I'd even take Ecuador. But I'd want a direct route, not some bullshit detour through Hong Kong and the fucking Sheremetyevo transit lounge in fucking Putinland, however nice it may be with the amenities and all. And it may take me quite a while to clear my head so can I just buy a one-way ticket for now and come back when the job is done or will that flag me for a fucking strip search and a DNA harvest at the airport?
This is all moot speculation. I don't even have a valid passport.
Happy Friday! Let the good times roll!
4 comments:
Things suck. But good things happen like how you can now get gay married in a liberal state like mine and the federal U.S. government will recognize it.
All I have to offer is the tired old trope of looking at the bright side. I'm an eternal optimist.
I recognise much of this. I do think age is significant.
Sometimes I derive a strange sort of comfort from the thought that by the time the next sentient race on the planet drills down into the substrata, the only remnant of our "civilisation" will be a kind of dirty, greasy, oily layer. Which they will no doubt exploit as fossil fuel as the karmic wheel goes round again.
But sometimes I am as enraged as I ever was by the injustice of it all, and that is tiring, because at twenty it actually felt like we might be able to make a difference.
I don't believe in marriage as an institution, but if you will help me drag my beloved across the border, I'll marry her in Mexico and demand my rights in Texas, just to spite the bastards.
Oh, you'll need a passport.
So sorry you're in a funk. I can relate, particularly on the political side of it. I hope you don't drop out of Facebook, as I think one of the coolest things about Facebook is the ability to interact with and be friends with interesting people that you never would have known otherwise - and those are the ones you lose touch with if they drop out of Facebook. :-) I know what you mean about not being able to think of another place you'd want to live. I live in New Jersey (and yes, Chris Christie is an assh*le). I would consider Massachusetts except it's even colder in the winter there than here. NY State is OK (but ditto on the winter). San Francisco is the place I would choose to live if I had my druthers... BTW, do update your passport - it's always good to feel you can escape this country if you wanted to!
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