There is nothing about the first day of a new year, or the first day of a new month, which should prompt any kind of vow to change a behavior. After all, it would have been just as easy on October 27. Nevertheless, I am happy to see the arrival of November because October was such a pain in the ass, right from day one.
It was the month during which my brother was served with an eviction notice and filed for bankruptcy. It was also the month when my mother finally had a spot on her face and chest removed. The spot on her chest was cancerous but the doctor claims he got it all removed and she's feeling better.
October 22 marked the mid-point in my journey from being 49 to 50 (more on that in a later post) which is taking a toll on me emotionally. My creativity was zapped, the blog suffered, and I wasn't sure I'd ever write another meaningful post. I have no idea how many people even stop by here now since I quit looking at the SiteMeter at least a month ago.
October was also a month where I shamed myself. I'm really not the kind of person who gets on a public soapbox and calls someone a (c)ucking (f)unt and a psychotic bitch, and yet I have done each -- on my blog and on my Facebook page. I am the type of person who will mutter those in the privacy of my vehicle when I'm cut off or tail-gated, but that's quite a bit different. I'm not saying it's right, or good karma even in that situation, but it's not as bad as doing it in a public forum.
I can act very adolescent at times but it's usually in the framework of my humor rather than being expressed through emotional negativity. So I am resolving publicly to behave myself and conduct myself with just a bit more decorum. Not much more; I am not going to be untrue to myself. I will continue laughing at and publishing penis humor for my inner child. I just don't need to take the lowest road when I disagree with someone by resorting to the worst degrading insults.
The recipient of my anger -- in both instances -- is the owner of a popular feminist community blog who bills herself the "Queen Cunt of Fuck Mountain." Instead of reacting with hostility when she does something which pisses me off, I need to train myself to view it as a laughable absurdity, whether it might be a blog comment policy or an over-the-top rude response on her part to another commenter.
In the grand scheme of things, it's just not that important enough for me get my panties in a knot. This is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want with it, and the same is true of Melissa and her blog. But if I'm really unable to control my own reactions without going into a profanity-laced tirade, then I probably shouldn't be reading the blog at all. To my credit, I had stayed away for 2 1/2 weeks before venturing in there on a tip-off.
Although I've said this before, it's worth repeating. I have very little philosophical disagreements with Melissa on political and social issues. My beef is more of a personal one, involving personalities, treatment of others, the evolution (or de-evolution, some would rightfully argue) of the blog culture, and blog policies. I can either separate myself from it entirely, or deal with it maturely without flushing my own progressive and feminist credentials down the crapper. Because there are few things I dislike more than a hypocrite. A male feminist referring to a female feminist as a *ucking *unt and a *itch is probably the pinnacle of hypocrisy.
If used at all, the word "bitch" should be used as a verb, as in, I'll be bitching about the weather until spring, or reserved for referring to a female dog, or perhaps to intangible concepts like, October was a bitch. It was indeed, but only because I made it one. So, good riddance, October.