Thursday, March 22, 2007

Five Things No One Knows About Me

I was tagged -- and quite awhile back by the ever-lovely litbrit with this one. Poor kona is a busy boy these days but I get around to the memes eventually. I'm going to spice this one up a bit by doing a tequila shot before each of the five things. Yeahh, baby. Rock & roll. If #5 is incoherent, you'll know why. Oh, and I'm drinking beer between shots. I guess that's worth mentioning. Anything to keep me away from the threads over at Shakes' place for awhile can only be a worthy cause, right?

1. When I was about 7, I must have been lacking general social skills. My best friend, whom I'd known basically since birth considering the fact that we were born one day apart in the same hospital, was in the same grade school as me. We were out in the playground with other kids at recess playing around an area where the garbage cans were stored. It was an area bricked in on 3 sides. There were a few loose bricks around so in order to get some attention, and perhaps a laugh, I somehow thought it would be hilarious if I threw a brick up in the air while hiding behind the brick wall. The other kids would see this brick falling from the sky and maybe it would land on someone's foot and they'd wonder where the hell it came from. Yes, that was my thought process.

I remember hearing a commotion and I stood up to see who might be laughing. No one was laughing. They were all pointing at me. The brick landed on my best friend's head. He was bleeding and had to be taken to a hospital for stitches. I don't really remember too much after that -- whether I was questioned by any teachers, or anything. I think I just went on with my day as if nothing had happened.

That night our phone rang and it was my friend's mother calling my mother for an explanation. I calmly said there was a brick on the playground and I was throwing it back over to the garbage can area where it belonged ... and missed. What a liar I was.

Nothing else was ever said, and we continued to be best friends for years -- until we were 16 or so. Actually we ended up being --- I hesitate to use the word "lovers." But he was my first sexual encounter and that went on for 2 years on a regular basis. Life is weird, huh? And he's dead now. That's another story.

2. I love chocolate. It's probably one of my absolute favorite substances in the world. But I despise chocolate beverages. Hot chocolate, any chocolate-flavored coffees, anything chocolate in liquid form is probably one of my biggest turn-offs. I don't care for candy either. And don't like chocolate candy unless it's of high quality. About the lowest common denominator of chocolate I'll eat in candy form is Godiva. I like most of that stuff. There's also a chocolate bar at Whole Foods Market with dried raspberries in it that I enjoy. But I can make one bar of that last me at least a week. I have incredible self-discipline when it comes to devouring chocolate. (Too bad I have NO self-discipline when it comes to tequila. Which reminds me, time for another shot if I'm done with #2.)

3. Let's talk about body fluids, and get this out of the way, all in one (wad) shot. About 2 weeks ago, I awoke about 4:00 am from a dream (in color as always) in which I was in a department store of some type. It was one of those multi-level stores with an elevator. I was shopping for merchandise when I suddenly realized I'd hit the stop button on the elevator when I got out, so the elevator was stuck there. About the time I realized I needed to run release the stop button so other people could use it, I awoke with the sensation that I needed to urinate. Actually, what was happening was a wet dream. I thought that only happened to younger guys. Live and learn.

In a similar vein (you can call this 3a if you wish), you've all heard the expression about having it coming out of both ends at the same time. Only once in my life have I been vomiting and had diarrhea at the same time. I was a teen and very sick with the flu or some bad bug. I had to crawl from the toilet to the bathtub. Fun!

4. I love looking at porn. Oh wait, no one is going to be surprised by that. Let's start over. Hmm, I think I squeezed in an extra shot there somewhere. Oh well, a boy needs his think time; these memes are not easy.

4. I probably could have earned my living as a pianist. When I was 7 I started taking piano lessons from the same woman who taught my brother. He was good. Damn good. My teacher told my mother I had far more talent than my brother. I took lessons until I was 9 and suddenly lost interest. It's a shame, because I enjoyed it, but there were certain aspects of it that frustrated me, and it was because my teacher didn't know how to teach. She couldn't explain things to me in a manner in which my mind could comprehend. (And she was an alcoholic.) I have similar problems to this very day with learning new things. I don't respond well to instruction without understanding the why or the history behind it. I need full-spectrum instruction or I lose interest. And so, I'm not a pianist. I'm in advertising and experiencing some of the same frustration I experienced as a pianist-to-be.

One more shot to go, and then I'm done with this meme. Oh, what to confess, what to confess!

5. I am not happy about aging. When I turned 40 (which wasn't nearly as hard for me as turning 30), I was still getting carded occasionally for alcohol purchases. In fact, I've become quite the pal with the woman who works at my liquor store and I first met her about 6 years ago. She carded me when I bought a pack of cigarettes from her for the first time. I remember saying, "Jesus, how old do I have to be to buy cigarettes?" She said, "18." I said, "Well, I believe I got that covered." She examined my ID and said, "You look young." The rest is history. Literally.

I'm actually planning a separate post about the transition from 4o to 50 and it's likely to take awhile, but this is as good a time as any to introduce it. I have never identified with people my own age. Oh sure, I've had friends older than me for the past 20 years, and I get on dandy with people 5, 10, 15 years older than me. I borrowed a Janis Joplin book from a former co-worker who is probably 20 years older than me, and I can certainly relate to her. But I do not ever care to act my age, if that makes any sense.

It's been quite an experience for me starting my new job. I've worked at home, away from society at large, for the past 6 or 7 years. Getting back into the work force has been a huge challenge. I'm now back in an environment with people 20+ years younger than me, along with a sprinkling of people my age, or a few years older. And folks, it's an adjustment.

But I refuse to conform. I refuse to act my age. I refuse to cast away my creativity for the sake of fitting a mold. I will not be manipulated and I will not be controlled. And apparently I am lucky to have that luxury.

Time for another shot. And maybe load the pipe. Tagged: Take it and run with it if you are so inclined.

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