Friday, June 13, 2008

Scorpions 1, Loretta 0

I felt pretty good this morning when I got up. It was Friday (albeit the 13th), I was looking forward to the day, and I was seriously jazzed about Loretta Lynn.

Then as I finished up my morning coffee I stood up and felt a very uncomfortable prick on my foot under the strap of my sandal. I thought it was probably one of the very nasty grass burrs we have here. They are tiny seeds with thorns which stick to the bottoms of your shoes, or anything else to which they come in contact. I just thought one had gotten under the strap.

As I was pulling my foot from the sandal I felt another extremely sharp piercing pain -- almost like a red-hot ice pick going through my foot. I think I may have yelled "fuck" once or twice, and then I saw the scorpion crawl out of my shoe.

The wet-looking shit you see to the left of the scorpion is what squished out of it after I pounded it with my shoe.

The "no-kill zone" at kona ranch suffered a temporary suspension. Normally I would catch any such critters in the house and take them outside. This one unfortunately earned my severe wrath. Hell's fury descended down upon the scorpion, you might say.

I proceeded to shower and get ready for work. My foot was in extreme pain for about 10-15 minutes. About the time the pain subsided, I was feeling the toxic venom shit coursing through my bloodstream.

By the time I left for work I could already feel a bit of numbness in my face, particularly around and in my mouth, and my tongue. I'm firmly convinced the stuff dentists use for anesthesia is derived to some extent from scorpion venom! Not only was I experiencing the unpleasant numbness, but I could taste the toxins in my mouth. It pretty much destroyed any sensory pleasure from eating or drinking. Even water tastes odd.

Someone at work got me a Benadryl and by 11:30 I wasn't feeling any better and was getting drowsy. I decided to come home for the remainder of the day. I stopped and got a cheap frozen entree for lunch since I can't taste shit anyway. Then I took a nap for about an hour.

It's now almost 6:00 and the nasty taste in my mouth lingers. Most of the other nasty symptoms have dissipated somewhat, but not entirely.

The fucker sure did screw up my plans for the day. At least that one won't have another opportunity.

The woman who got me the Benadryl asked me if I've ever seen a mama scorpion with her babies. There was a group of them in the mailbox once and I inadvertently brought them in the house with the mail. The mama scorpion carries them on her back. The lady at work told me the babies will stay on her and actually eat her to death. If that's true, these nasty fuckers are even more evil than I thought.

I hope I'm fully recovered tomorrow. Sorry, Loretta. It would have been a blast.

Christ, I was 14 years old when that video was shot!

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